Becoming Clean
by seelieseduction
Summary: Haruhi's definition of becoming clean, is a bit different than others.


**A/N: So I am taking a small break from "New Life", you know, get my bearings and all. So I decided to write this short little fic. It has nothing to do with "New Life"; I was just feeling a bit angsty at the time I thought of it, so yeah. Here's to Haruhi angst.**

**Disclaimer: So I definitely do not own Host Club… if I did I wouldn't be a poor college student. --**

**Warning: Please don't read this if you are eating. You have been warned.**

"**Becoming Clean"**

It never was a matter of cleanliness. For no matter how many times she washed herself she could never be as clean as they were. She was filth, a lowlife, a commoner. It was made very clear by the attitude towards her. They had been distant, secretive. Every time she walked into the room they would stop talking. They couldn't trust her. Of course not, why would they trust someone as lowly as she. Never mind that. She had a debt to repay, so she would continue to work, even if it meant that whenever she walked into a room, it became increasingly colder.

There was never anymore cake. At least not for her, and definitely not from Hunny-sempai. The customers were oblivious as always. Never noticing the coldness, or the fake smiles that seemed to parade about the room. Everything was cold and calculated. She could really use that cake now. Her last customer had left, and things had become rather tight at home. She hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon, when one of the girls had offered her a bite of her dessert. And then she had thrown it up. Like so many other times. It seemed wrong, to eat anything of theirs. One bite of whatever seemed to cost more than she would ever eat in a week. She couldn't handle the price. Because every time she would eat something that one of the customers would offer to her, Kyouya always seemed to be there. Writing things down on his clipboard, nothing escaped his eyes, and especially not Haruhi sampling a customer's dessert. So she would excuse herself when she would get a break, and then proceed to the nearest washroom available, where she would purge herself of the taste of the rich.

"Haruhi-kun, would you like a bite? It's chocolate mousse and it's very good."

Haruhi looked at her customer, what was her name again. Ah yes it was,

"Ah, Miss Sakamoto, it really isn't necessary. You look so cute when you eat, and besides you seem to like it. I wouldn't be troubled by it."

"Ah but Haruhi-kun, you seem so thin lately, you almost look like you're going to blow away.

The girl started to tear up,

"I would be so sad if you blew away, you're not going to, are you Haruhi-kun?"

"As long as you are here I cannot blow away."

Kyouya would be pissed and most likely add her debt if she left a customer unattended. Still it would be nice to blow away sometimes…

"Then, will you please have a taste Haruhi-kun?"

Haruhi really couldn't say no, especially since Kyouya seemed to be glancing in her direction, so she opened her mouth obediently. Instantly her mouth was filled with chocolate. It was sweet, too sweet. Even though sweet things didn't suit her taste it was food. She swallowed it and thanked the girl, who was positively glowing.

She didn't have anymore customers, or at least not right now, so she excused herself and made for the washroom. Inside she stood over the toilet and shoved her finger inside her throat, which started her gag reflex. The familiar taste of bile and acid rose through her throat as she purged herself. Strangely, nothing came of it except for water and dry heaves. Brushing her teeth, Haruhi looked into the mirror; dark shadows could be seen under her eyes. Not good. She took out some concealer from her pocket and covered the shadows. All that was left was the smell.

When Haruhi got back, there were surprisingly no customers. The guys seemed to be talking again, which irked Haruhi, because they stopped as soon as she entered the room.

"Haruhi, we need to discuss something important with you."

She sat down on the couch, in which Tamaki shook his head no, the twins pointed to a chair that was in the middle of a circle. Ok, was she being interrogated or something?

Haruhi could see that Tamaki was not his usual self, in fact if anything he was completely serious. He had such a sober expression on his face; she didn't know what to think. Come to think of it, everyone was looking kind of grim. She smiled weakly at the twins as if to say 'Am I in trouble?' to her surprise they glared at her.

"So what is this meeting about sempai?"

"Why don't you tell us that Haruhi."

"Pardon?"

"Tell me, have you been feeling well lately?"

"Yes. I'm feeling quite fine thank-you."

"Where were you up to a few minutes ago?"

"The bathroom. Sempai, why am I being interrogated like this."

"You are not the position to be asking questions, Haruhi."

"Excuse me. I believe I deserve some explanation of why I am being treated as, as a criminal."

It was the twins turn to speak.

"Haruhi, if you weren't feeling well you would normally tell us. You haven't, not for a long time. But you didn't come to us. So we started to follow you."

She turned to the twins angrily.

"You were spying on me?! How could you? Why would you?"

Kyouya spoke next.

"We needed information on your doings. You have been looking rather pale lately; we needed to know if you were sick. Besides, you weren't talking to us. We didn't want any of the customers getting sick, that would cause an epidemic and the club would have to close down."

"So why not just ask me? All it takes is 'Hello Haruhi, are you feeling well today?' My god am I surrounded by idiots? Besides you were the ones who wouldn't talk to me. And the club, well I am sorry you care a whole lot more for the customers than me, but I promise that I will leave as soon as my debt is paid off. Then you won't have to worry about poor commoner Haruhi."

It was then that Tamaki dropped the ball.

"We don't care for you? Haruhi, it's because we care that we are doing this. Tell me Haruhi, we care so much for you, and it pains us that you can't talk to us about your problems. Tell us, why do you make yourself throw-up?"

Haruhi froze. She had not been expecting that. They knew, but what did it matter, they don't care. But didn't Tamaki just say they did? Haruhi opened her mouth to speak, when she suddenly felt lightheaded. She massaged her temples to help the blood flow, but it didn't help.

"Haruhi, are you all right?"

She never answered the question, seeing as how she fell out of the chair unconscious.

_**5 Months Later**_

Haruhi smiled as she bid farewell to her customers. It had been a long day, but, she was closer to dissolving her debt. After passing out due to hunger, she had been put into a rehab, a very luxurious rehab, seeing as how, Kyouya's family owned it. She still went to school with the others, but was kept under watchful eye. During that time she wasn't able to host anymore-given her critical condition of being underweight, she needed time to recuperate physically and psychologically.

Finally she was able to start hosting again, and as she bid her last customer farewell a sense of déjà vu passed before her. Without realizing it, her feet had led her straight to the wash room.

The twins had stopped her on her way back in, asking what she had been doing. She replied that she had been cleaning up.

It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit. It takes even longer to break one.


End file.
